Taranjit
Dear Future Husband,
This is not a soap opera. Don’t pretend to ignore me and side with your family in front of them and only tell me you love me behind our closed bedroom door. It won’t fly. Treat me the same no matter where you are, or I might not be your future wife.
That got your attention, huh? Started out this letter a little strong and dived right in. But, sometimes you just got to get straight to the point. After all, I heard (just heard, so correct me if I am wrong) that men don’t tend to get hints. They like for us to be direct and say exactly what we mean. I guess your brains don’t work like ours. A learning curve for both of us. But you can’t blame me, I have never really been around a guy before, ahem Indian culture, so it will take me some time to get used to you.
All our lives, us girls, are told to not talk to guys and stay away, and then all of a sudden one day, we are brought a marriage proposal and expected to be comfortable talking to a complete stranger that is a man who has the potential of being my life partner. Kind of hard to just magically, with the snap of your fingers, because comfortable.
Back to the topic at hand. Who are you putting on a show for? There is no audience watching this right now. It’s not reality TV. Its real life. So, be real. Don’t be two-faced. One of my biggest pet peeves, is someone telling someone else one thing, and then straight up lying to me about it and telling me something completely different. I just can’t deal with that.
Just tell me how you feel. Be honest. Be open. Let’s have that conversation. I sure hope that we are comfortable enough (which of course will come with time) to be open and honest with each other. If there is something bothering you, then let’s talk. Having a conversation and acknowledging it will resolve the issue as opposed to ignoring it and letting it hang over us like a rain cloud that won’t go away. One day, that rain bottled up inside the cloud will get so full that it will burst causing a horrific, huge storm. It’s better to just let it out in small drizzles than one big storm.
Our life will be miserable if we don’t communicate. After all, we are stuck (not to put it in negative terms, but just being more literal) with each other for the rest of our lives.
Because you know that there is no such thing as divorce in the Sikh or Punjabi community. You only marry once. So, let’s make sure we know each other as much as we can before we take the leap forward and agree to this arranged marriage.
Let’s make this an enjoyable journey as opposed to one we dread. We only have one life to live. So let’s make the most of it. On the same boat? Good. Because, I don’t know how to swim, and I sure hope you do. We need someone on this boat that does just in case something happens.
Jokes aside, I hope you are a morning person. Because as I have told you before, I crash early like a grand mom. I like getting up early and starting my day with the sun still out and be in bed when it disappears. After all, why was day and night created? Plus, when you wake up early, not only do you feel more refreshed, but you have more time to do more things. Let’s take advantage of all the daylight. Together.
I don’t want to be the couple who never sees each other. That is not healthy for a relationship. Never seeing each other? Then, what is the point of getting married. It’s the same as staying single. I, personally, feel it’s important to have some family time. Some time with each other. Yea, I know that distance makes the hearts grow fonder (yadeh yada yada), but that is on occasional terms, not every single day. Distance for times on end, makes the hearts grow further apart (new saying, not sure if it is true, but…).
Don’t agree to this marriage if you don’t want to do it. You shouldn’t agree to get married, just to get married. Or, just because your parents feel it is time. You should agree to get married when you are ready for that responsibility. And me, right now, I don’t want that responsibility. All my life, I had to act mature, act older than my age, because that is how Indian girls are raised. And, I feel like I already went through the experience of being an adult and taking care of a child. To be clear, not my child, but my brother. I felt like I was his mom 90% of the time. I mean, if him always coming to me first to ask for permission to do something as opposed to going to our mom doesn’t say that, then I don’t know what will.
I have experienced it all. I make the food in the house, I help with handling the bills. Anyone with foreign parents can agree that we have to be grow up fast, become an adult, to help our parents especially if their English isn’t strong, and I practically raised my brother and took care of him. Like I said earlier, he comes to me first for permission to do things instead of my mom. That should say something. And because of this, now that I am older, I am ready to take a break from those responsibilities and take care of myself. Have the freedom and time of less stress before I agree to settle down. I need time in my life to do me. Unless, you are open to having freedom together, then I might not wait as long. But the chances of finding a guy like that is seeming to be slim. I have yet to meet a Punjabi munda like that. You will just have to prove me wrong.
All my life, my mom would tell me I can’t do that or I can’t hang with my friends, or I can’t go out. I have to wait until I am older to do those things. Then when I got older, she was like your older now, you can’t do that because you are not a little girl anymore. You will just have to do it with your husband. What?! What if my husband turns out to be a guy who won’t let me do those things either? I sure hope you are not controlling like that. I hope you will let me go out, or better take me with you when you go out. Not make me sit at home for the rest of my life, like I have so far. Let’s go hang out together. Times have changed. We are not living in the same time period as our parents. If you find this to be too much to ask for, then I am not the girl for you. Keep looking. But, if you think you could handle all this crazy, not going to sit and take it woman, then maybe we are meant to be.
Right now, I feel I am better off staying single, unless you end up changing my mind.
Sincerely,
Every Modern Punjabi Girl, awaiting for her “Prince Charming” before she says “Yes”
